Suffering from Negativity

8/29/03

I am nearly 55 years of age, and now consider myself to be spiritual, but I have carried a cloak of negativity around me for as long as I can remember. Over the last five decades, I have had brief encounters with success only to lose it all. Even during good times, I still had the belief that it was only temporary. I have blamed myself, my family, God and others. I have always been taught that nothing-good lasts forever and I am here to tell you, I have demonstrated that throughout my life.

   My mind is most often going over negative thoughts that have come up from the past, or dwelling on an uncertain but hopeful future. I have, but for a few brief moments now and then, believed I was just too stupid or unlucky, to hang on to what happiness I may have found along my sojourn in this world. Don’t get me wrong my life has been filled with many blessings and good fortune, nevertheless I have not been able to hang on to any of it. My ego kept telling me it was all too good to be true.

   I have spent the last three years studying spirituality in hopes of reversing all of those feelings. I have managed to evolve past the unworthy label that most of us are taught in church, to a point where I now know that I create everything in my life as it is. I alone am responsible for my life and everything in it. I have learned how to manifest the things in my life that I desire most. I have been blessed with my own guardian angel and have several spiritual guides. I now write about what I know best, and still there is always that cloak of negativity, the voice sitting on my right shoulder telling me for all time that I cannot have it, it will not last.

   Recently I came across a book that summarizes my quandary. I can now fully appreciate the power the negative energy that embraces me, has over my ego. Although I have been aware of the feelings that have always been there, trying to get rid of it or denying its existence has not made it go away, even after three years of spiritual seeking and awareness.

   I will now tell you the secret. Embrace it as part of yourself. When you hear that little voice coming into your thoughts, acknowledge it. Enter the moment of now and go within. Negative feelings cannot survive in the eternal moment of now. Negative feelings are fuelled from your past or future thoughts. Your ego always feels threatened and will try to maintain contact with these negative emotions. If you find yourself dwelling on the past or the future, you know that the force is at work with your ego. Notice it, but don’t think about it. As you allow yourself cherish the detached moment of now of which you are in, the ego has no power and will try harder to bring you out of it. Patience, practice and perseverance will set you free from these feelings.

   Let your mind go inward, listen to your breathing, feel the life within you from your head to your feet and let it radiate outward. Become the silent watcher of your own life, the observer, do not think about it, but simply notice. Disconnect from your ego. It may only happen for brief moments, but eventually you will experience more and more peace, the dialogue of negativity will be subdued. The cloak of negative energy around you will be powerless. I have practiced recognizing this energy field for what it is for only a short time and I can feel the results. In the light of what is observable, the negative thoughts fade away.

  For more information, please refer to the book: The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle. I will be ever grateful for this book and others that came before it. It was appropriate in my life that this book came along at this time.